Horrorscopes


Aries (March 21-April 19): While you may not, your druken antics will live on in the form of a hilarious urban legend.

Taurus (April 20-May 20): You should brush up on Hawking, as you will shortly find his theories on the origin of black holes both relevent and useful.

Gemini (May 21-June 21): Don't take anything for granted today. Novelty cigar-guillotine accidents can and do happen.

Cancer (June 22-July 22): It's OK to be intuitive and emotional in love, so long as you don't violate your parole.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22): You will briefly be granted the physique of Fabio and the charisma of Don Juan. You chose a bad weekend for your solo balloon flight across Patagonia.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Although it initially looks as if you can't afford a new toy, don't give up - 25% of bank holdups go unsolved.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): You're going from the planning phase to the doing phase of your project. Just watch out for the guys at the photomat, they have to report that sort of thing.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Schedule some private time with the one you love and leave room for innovation. Really, though, you can only wear the One Ring in so many ways.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): No really, it's just you.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): You want to move quickly, but somebody else wants to argue. Finally, you'll get some use out of your piranha moat.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): You could get a very nice bonus, or think of a lucrative scheme. If so, spend it all on Scooby-Doo paraphrenalia.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20): Don't worry about the things in your life you can't fix. The Army Corps of Engineers specialize in problems like yours.