A Rainy Day in the 100 Acre Woods
An interview with Eeyore

I had the privledge of flying out to England recently to visit the 100-Acre Woods that A. A. Milne wrote about in his historical accounts turned children's books. About an hour-and-a-half drive out of Heathrow, I parked in the actual house that Christopher Robbins used to inhabit (current occupied by an older couple).

It was raining at the time, but I managed to find Eeyore's dwelling without much trouble. Although he gives excellent directions, it seems he had forgotten about my visit and was not expecting anyone when I arrived. What follows is a transcript of the audio interview I conducted:

First off, Eeyore, the question we all want answered: Why so gloomy?

Well, I get this a lot. People seem to think I'm gloomy or depressed all the time, when I'm really not. This is just how I look naturally nowadays. It's gotten to be just an act since Christopher disappeared. Things have really gotten much better. In showbiz, you have to have an act. Something to set you apart. For me, that's the gloominess. I believe Disney actually tried to trademark it. I'll probably never see a penny, though.

Aren't you afraid that this depression act might negatively influence your fans? They are young children, after all.

[moment's pause]

I've been doing it so long I've never really considered anything else, I guess. It wouldn't make much sense if I suddenly got Tigger's perkiness or energy.

In various works your 'hut' has been depicted as lean-to made of sticks or boards, but in reality it's nicely amenitized. Why the disparity?

I've had to rebuild the thing so many times that I got fed up with the hassle. It was cold and wet and they weren't filming much around here anymore. I had contractors come and build it, since I don't have opposable thumbs.

In some of Milne's earlier accounts, you were depicted as a wizened philosopher spouting out thoughs like the passage below. How do you think your image has changed over the years?

The old grey donkey, Eeyore stood by himself in a thistly corner of the Forest, his front feet well apart, his head on one side, and thought about things. Sometimes he thought sadly to himself, "Why?" and sometimes he thought, "Wherefore?" and sometimes he thought, "Inasmuch as which?" and sometimes he didn't quite know what he was thinking about. From "The Pooh Book of Quotations" by A. A. Milne

Milne was constantly taking me out of context. He painted me as an Platonic type when really I was more Aristotelian. I would ask "Why the rain?" and "Wherefore the Dr. Pepper?" in reality. I'm not sure if he just wanted to misinterpret me or that's what he really thought I was saying. He was a little hard of hearing.

You're stuffed, if I'm not mistaken, so why the affinity for water? It must take forever to dry out.

You know, it's not really easy to explain. I like the rain. I like the pitter-patter of the drops on the leaves. I like the rustling of the brook and the quiet out on the pond. I apoligize if I inadvertantly lapse into poetry. To answer your second question, Scotchguard.

What are you plans for the future?

Right now? Maybe chew on some thisle, float around a bit, try to keep Pooh out of trouble. Actually what is keeping me most occupied me most right now is hoove-and-mouth disease. With my luck I'll catch it and they'll have to torch all the creatures in the 100 acre wood.

What about beyond now? 5 years?

Well, you're forgetting I'm a donkey. See, that's the thing with you humans -- always thinking in terms of 'time' and rushing around like little piglets. As an animal, I have not only the priviledge but the responsibility of thinking more in terms of relative sequences of events. No watches or alarm clocks.

Do you ever think about death?

Death? You're still forgetting I'm a donkey. We're not aware of our own mortality. Sure, I read about it all the time, but it's not really a concept I can grasp. I prefer to think about walking a fine line between gloom and glamour.

Eeyore, many thanks for letting me come out here. All your fans and I would like to wish you the best in the future.

Thanks for noticing me.

(With apologies to A. A. Milne)