Zoloft Spokesperson Charged With Cannibalism
Pleads 'Prozac'

May 10, 2001

(AP) Las Vegas - The puffy, white Zoloft Spokesperson Lofty the Pill was arraigned in Clark County court yesterday, charged with 57 counts of 1st degree murder. Investigators for the Las Vegas coroners office said that it appears the victims had been cannibalized, as several more victims were found murdered but only partially consumed. "It was an awful scene, just awful." one investigator commented.

Those that knew Lofty said they were shocked to hear the news. "He's just the kindest, quietest soul you'd ever know", commented one neighbor. "Though there were weeks when he just didn't come out much at all. Now I guess we know why."

In an interview with Lofty's attorneys, we found that he may not have been aware that he was even eating his own kind. "My client believed the victims were Prozac." said one of his attornies, though he declined to comment further on the murder charge.